Christian Courtship Part III: Aspects of the Movement that I am Leery of

This is part 3 of a series.
Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.
Part 4 is here.
Part 5 is here.
Part 6 is here.

I believe that there is much value in many principles of the Courtship Movement.  We have put many aspects of Christian Courtship into practice  in our own home.  I believe that each family must consider carefully how they will go about the process of managing their children's transitions into adulthood, and that what is right for one family may not necessarily be right for another.  The following is only one mother's response to certain aspects of the courtship movement, and will likely be misunderstood if not read against the backdrop of the content of parts 1 and 2 of this series.

What I am leery of, in the Courtship Movement:

Let’s not Override a Biochemical System Designed by God

Eugen de Blaas, PD-OLD

I think that it is important to acknowledge that the person doing the marrying has an enormous stake in the choice of a marriage partner, and his/her feelings on the matter should not be overshadowed by those of the parent(s).  One of the reasons for this is biological.  Proponents of Theology of the Body (TOB) point out research that suggests that attraction is more than skin deep.  Women are drawn to men, by scent, whose DNA that is compatible with their own.  Some, mostly birth control advocates who are opposed to TOB, suggest that this is based in bad science.  My mom instincts tell me that there is something to it.   When parents have such a strong hand in the choosing of a child’s spouse that his/her physical attraction to the candidate is not a high priority issue, I am concerned.  I believe that God designed us the way he did for a reason, and I’m pretty sure that dad is not sniffing Johnny’s major histocompatibility complex genes.  Enough said.

"Judge Not", and, You’re Maybe not as Special as You Think You are.

Haynes King, PD-OLD

It also concerns me when an approach or cultural choice becomes so ingrained in the patterns of a group of Christians that people begin to function as if it is Biblically mandated, when it is not.  There is a difference between something that is Biblically sound, and something that is Biblically mandated.  I, (a former homeschooling parent and proponent of the general principles of the courtship movement), may be strapping on a bomb vest by writing this, but, look folks: Homeschooling is not the eleventh commandment, and I Kissed Dating Goodbye is not the 67^th book of the Bible.  They are both very sound approaches, maybe even the best possible approaches for many families (my own included), but one would do well to avoid reaching a philosophical point where one begins to judge others who make different choices.  I see a tendency among, at least some, young people and their parents to assume a air of superiority or elitism connected to their courtship practices, and judgment of others who choose a different path.

"Emotional Purity" is not in Your Bible’s Concordance

click for license

The concept of “emotional purity” makes me twitch.  First and foremost, it is just not Biblical.  I am not suggesting that it is contrary to Biblical principles, but, unlike sexual purity, it is not a clear Biblical mandate.  When parents, and even churches, begin teaching kids that their hearts are somehow made impure, or incomplete, if they develop romantic feelings for a person whom they do not later marry, I think that we are potentially bordering on the unhealthy.  Also, as I see kids who were raised with this teaching growing up, I am seeing at least some of them: A) Feel guilty when they are attracted to a person of the complimentary sex, and/or B) Have an extreme reticence to move forward in pursuing any relationship when the time is right, because they have trained themselves to hit the emergency shut-off switch the moment they begin to perceive romantic feelings for someone.  We were designed to have feelings.  They are good.  They help guide us toward our future spouse.  When they come up at the wrong time in someone’s life (i.e.: when he/she is not positioned to pursue a relationship) they are best managed and dealt with…not squelched, stuffed down, denied, or regarded  as inconsistent with the will of God.  Besides, if we are going to be faithful in our relationship with our spouse, we’d best learn to appropriately manage feelings for persons of the complimentary sex to whom we are not married. 

Are We Creating Princess and Knight Expectations That Weren’t Even Realistic in the Middle Ages?

Photo: David Ball

I see a generation of young people in their late twenties who are, for the most part, the first heavy wave of young people raised with courtship principles, and, many of them are just not getting married.  This is surely a subjective assessment, but it seems consistent with my personal observations of the Christian community.  I fear that we have built the whole process up so much that they are waiting for a spouse to drop in their laps with a message from God rubber stamped on his/her forehead stating, “This is the one.”  Those, (perhaps), overinflated expectations, combined with the concept that they will be left impure, or at least incomplete in the heart department, if they experience any emotional attachment to the “wrong one”, has proven a bit of a double suppressant of any possibility that they will move forward in pursuing a romantic relationship.

I think that the concept of Biblical Courtship is, perhaps, one of the best things that has happened for Christian young people in a while.  However, I also believe that it is best lived out with a focus on principles and intentions rather than formulaic rules and constraints.  More to come...


For an additional discussion of this topic, I highly commend to you this post.
A post on the question of whether "emotional purity" is Biblical is here.

Linked with:

Handful of Heart Mondays, Welcome Home Linkup @ Raising Arrows, Domestically Divine Tuesday @ Far Above Rubies, Teach me Tuesdays @ Growing Home, Encouraging One Another @ Deep Roots at Home, Homemaking Linkup @ Raising Homemakers, Women Living Well Wednesdays, Homemaking Link-up @ A Wise Woman Builds her Home, Proverbs 31 Thursdays @ Raising Mighty Arrows, The Modest Mom

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