I made my mother cry the other day. She was tired and I was tired and loved ones are far away. Not miles kind of far, but Heaven kind of far. And the desire for approval never goes away, even when you're half way to fifty and she is a bit past that. So I made her cry when I shouldn't have. And then I realized it: It never ends.The worrying that you didn't do enough and the worrying that you were too involved and watching your 18 year old pull out of the driveway and knowing that, in some kind of way, it is over, and you botched it. You didn't play enough and you didn't cook enough and you didn't teach her to crochet when she asked. And then watching your 44 year old pull out of the driveway...it never ends. The heart link, the mother link, is tungsten fast, and if it is pulled on too tightly, it can shatter a heart.
Then grace fell softly, and I realized that the pulling isn't a pulling away; it is a stretching from standing up straighter, and saying please look at me, and tell me I'm okay. I can do it on my own, and it will turn out fine. I can head off for college classes and make my own choices and they'll be good ones, without you forcing them to be. And that sometimes my idea of good may not be identical to your idea of good, but you'll still see the goodness in it.And so, I taught my 18 year old to crochet, and her father and I stopped waiting on the driveway for her to come around the corner when driving home from her nighttime Biology class. And it wasn't enough, and it was more than enough, and really, all we can do is love. Whether they're on the couch in the living room, or a state away, or Heaven away, all we can do is love. And that's all anyone really wanted to begin with anyway.
Pax Christi,
~Michelle
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What you wrote here is just lovely. Thank you for sharing!!! ~AMY
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