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Thursday, June 28, 2012

I'm Not Having Any More Children

Nino Barbieri, own work, cc-by-sa-2.5
I should have known that sooner, really.  Coming up on 25 years of marriage with one pregnancy...I probably should have gotten an earlier clue.

Still, one hopes, and, entertains the possibility that lightening might strike twice.

Nonetheless, I've reached the age when most women can probably assume that another one is not likely in the cards.


It's somewhat like learning that Citizen Kane's Rosebud was a sled.  You knew something like this was coming, but still, somehow you were caught off guard by its arrival.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Grieving hardly makes sense when one has a child whose qualities shine so brightly that one doesn't notice that there are five or six others curiously missing from the room.  At any rate, I've had about 23 years of grief over infertility, with one glorious respite of sweet baby girl bliss.  I'm, actually, a bit tired of grieving now.  I suppose that at a time when some women might be dealing with a bittersweet transition, I find that I have been here, at this place, all along.  And, it's ...okay.

Afternoon Tea by Joy Coffman
By Joy Coffman from San Diego, CA, US (Afternoon Tea) [CC-BY-2.0
(], via Wikimedia Commons
I'm not sure how one makes peace with infertility, but, I suppose that one makes peace with ones own situation by sitting down to tea with it, day in and day out, ... until it is a familiar companion, the pouring of the tea becomes old hat, and ones joints begin to tire of getting up from the table too soon anyway.

I think I'll have a cup of hot tea, revel in the years I have left with a daughter at home, and give thanks.

Pax Christi,

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." ~Jer. 29:11

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  1. I was incredibly moved by this post. Words cannot express the depths of my emotions. I ache for you, and I am in awe of your perspective. I rejoice for you and your daughter, and I understand the "curiously missing" faces that dot your heart but not your photos.

    All my love for you today. May Our Lady shine her glorious smile upon you and your family always. {Hugs}

  2. and look forward to grandchildren;)

    I've been becoming keenly aware (at 36) that now is the time to have another one if I want to...a sort of biological clock ticking I suppose, but I am nevertheless blessed with two beautiful children, and it sounds like you are equally blessed with your incredible daughter.

  3. It's the third time this week that I read Jer. 29:11, one of my favorite bibleverses. Encouraging. God must be telling me that He means it. ;)


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Pax Christi!